40

September 2017

Diana, Vickey


It was Diana’s birthday. Traditionally, it was celebrated in her parents’ big, spacious apartment on an alleyway near Hampstead Heath, with its panoramic view of London.
Usually, Vickey loved family suppers with Diana’s parents, but she’d been afraid of this day from the very start of their relationship. Diana’s friends were supposed to go too, and Alex was Diana’s closest friend.
Alex. They hadn’t seen each other since that morning when he’d shouted at her. She’d left before he’d come back out of the bathroom. She’d known nothing about him. She’d waited for a call. But he never rang. She didn’t even know if he knew about her and Diana. They never mentioned him in their conversations.
Diana knew, of course, how strong Vickey’s love for Alex was, and she wasn’t expecting her to forget all about him, but she was careful not to remind her of him. What Diana didn’t know was the extent to which Vickey, in her heart, hadn’t gotten over him. She simply couldn’t forget him.
When Vickey imagined them meeting she was overcome by a weakness, it was as if her legs would give out. She dreamt of seeing Alex, and she was afraid of seeing him.
Half the evening had already passed, but Alex still hadn’t arrived. Vickey looked at Diana, who was giving a toast to her parents.
“Let’s drink to my beloved Mere and Pere!” That was how she always referred to them, in French. Vickey found that very charming. “They brought me up with love, a love of work, and an ability not to take myself too seriously,” Diana said, concluding the toast. There was applause and some shouts of “hurrah!” Having waited for them to finish, Diana continued. “I want to thank them for having taken me, when I was little, into the operating theater because they didn’t have anyone to leave me with. That taught me a lot and I gained the profession of my dreams and the work of my life. I became a surgeon like them. True, sometimes they’d forget to take me home and I’d spend the whole night at the hospital.”
There was a friendly roar of laughter.
“That gave me a lot of skills that are useful for someone working in medicine: I learned to sleep on chairs lined up in a row, covered in surgical blankets, and how to open the lock into the dining room without being spotted. I became a virtuoso at avoiding anyone I needed to, and getting into the morgue where Uncle Simon worked as a medical assistant was no problem.”
“That Simon was a scoundrel,” said Diana’s father, “I remember. But we used to apologize to you in the morning, didn’t we?”
“Sometimes,” Diana agreed, laughing. “If you noticed that you’d forgotten me. So. Uncle Simon didn’t seem in the slightest bit concerned about an underage girl of famous surgeons spending the night alone at the hospital. He’d spent most of his life alone in a cold basement, reading books and having conversations with the corpses. And I remember that he used to joke that as soon as the corpses would start answering him, he’d switch to being a medical assistant at a psychiatric hospital. He’d allow me to examine the corpses for hours on end,” Diana continued. “Once he showed me a frozen heart. Some maniac had killed some people in Whitechapel, he’d cut out their hearts and put them in their hands. One of the corpses wasn’t needed, and they’d sent it, along with its heart, to Uncle Simon in the morgue. He prized it very highly.”
All of the twenty people sitting at the long table laughed quietly, listening to her attentively.
“I thought about death a lot back then,” Diana continued as if she wasn’t talking about anything out of the ordinary. “I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing for a five-year old girl, but you don’t get to choose your parents. What I will say, is that as I haven’t needed a psychiatrist in the 31 years of my life, I really can’t blame them for anything yet.”
Diana stopped – the guests could see she was anxious. She smiled in celebration, threw back her shoulders, and took a deep breath.
“Dear parents, brother, husband of my brother and my best friends!” she finally declared. “Today I got a phone call from the Surgeons of Europe International Association, and they confirmed that I would be offered a position working as a surgeon treating kids in Africa! In three months, my beloved Vickey and I will be going to live in Uganda for a year.”
There were shrieks of joy in the room, glasses ringing as they were clinked, everyone hugged and congratulated her. Vickey was mesmerized, watching them all congratulating one another. “Nobody’s objected, nobody’s run off in a fury, nobody’s given a lecture. Everybody understands you without having to say a word. They all share the same interests – they’re one big family. A happy family,” she thought.
She would grow sad at moments like this, she would feel like an impostor at someone else’s party. Her family had never been like this. She’d never even met a family like this in her life. She loved Diana, she loved Diana’s family which had taken her in with such joy. She was grateful, she was afraid of losing all this. But still one thought rang out in her head: “Alex – is he really not coming? Will I ever see him again?”
She could hear Sophie, Diana’s mother, speaking, warm laughter in her voice.
“Girls, I don’t have a recipe as to how to live for a long time with a man. I really don’t know how it’s done. I think in our case, that Michael and I have to thank our Head Nurse Deborah – she does the schedule and she makes sure that we never have shifts at the same time. But Michael would often have Deborah as his chief nurse when operating, and he’s always had a very high opinion of her professional qualities.”
“Specifically, her professional qualities!” Diana’s father shouted grumpily. “Sophie, why’re you slandering me? You’re sullying my noble grey hairs in the eyes of the youngsters!”
“Come on, there can be no sullying of your reputation. Your purer than pure image is unshakable!” laughed Sophie in answer. “But you should remember, Michael, that you’re not superhuman, you’re just a normal person, although you hold people’s hearts in your hands every day and bring them back to life – that must make it hard for you to remember.”
Someone objected to her in jest, everyone started laughing again, and it was impossible to work out who was saying what. Finally, Diana’s ever-serious friend Christina shouted out.
“Well, give us a culinary recipe, at least, Sophie! Please!”
“Yes, yes! A bewitching recipe,” came the voice of Diana’s brother, albeit steeped in irony. “Our Mom is an international specialist in cooking nuts – male nuts for the most part!”
“I gave birth to a child who’s far too witty for my liking, but you’re right – I’m the best there is in urological surgery,” Sophie joked. “But let’s leave the subject of nuts aside. I’ll tell you how to make sausages and your beloved will be offering his or her hand and heart in marriage.”
Sophie left a weighty pause before continuing.
“Yes, write it down, write it down … are you ready? You don’t cook it when the kid’s cold, you cook it when he’s hungry.”
There was another burst of laughter.
“How’re you feeling, my love?” Diana asked, having left the table to talk to someone and now having returned. “You’re not regretting having agreed to go halfway round the world with me?”
Vickey looked up at Diana, she tried to smile, she tried not to let Diana see her sorrow over Alex.
“What’s happening to me, damn it? It’s Diana’s birthday today! It’s her day, and I’m only thinking about whether I’ll see him or not.”
Vickey was ashamed before Diana, very ashamed.
She smiled her the most radiant smile she had in her armory.
“Not a bit.”
She became so ashamed that a need to cry out burned hot in her chest. But Vickey wasn’t happy about the trip to Africa. She was happy for Diana, it was a dream come true for her. She’d applied to get on this program for many years running, and finally they’d accepted her. And the trip to Africa itself, for her, a fan ‘Out of Africa’, sounded like the kind of once in a lifetime adventure that Vickey, with her romantic nature, had always dreamed of.
The Surgeons of Europe Association had phoned Diana when she was out on her run with Vickey on her birthday. Hearing the news, Diana had jumped up and down for joy for a whole ten minutes, only stopping to hug Vickey. Having calmed down, she had suggested to Vickey that they go to Africa together – the program would pay her partner’s expenses, and Vickey had agreed.
Of course, she had agreed! They drank a glass of Ferrari Pearl, a highly collectible sparkling wine brought from a small Italian province that they’d kept in store especially for this day. They made love, their naked, young, sweaty bodies merging in a slow dance of passion, cold splashes of champagne mixing with their bodies’ juices, the taste of their skin becoming sweet and salty. They embraced each other in love, balancing on the peak of their orgasms. They lay in bed exhausted until lunch, discussing the strange path that their lives were about to take.
“Kid, I know you’re scared,” said Diana, “a different continent, Africa, Uganda. I don’t know if the civil war and the Ebola outbreak are really over there yet. You can say no at any point and I’ll understand.”
Vickey had wanted to tell Diana that it wasn’t the exotic diseases, wild animals and well-known security concerns in Africa that scared her. Not at all. What she was afraid of was that she would never see Alex again.
But Vickey had smiled.
“I’d go with you to the end of the world! You know that,” she had said…
“Sophie, it’s the third day and he hasn’t called. Maybe he died?” Christina said in a concerned voice. “What should I do?”
“Why run to extremes, dear? Perhaps he’s simply married and pretended to be single, men often do that. And why should you do anything? You’ve seen him once in your life!” the wise Sophie said in a friendly voice.
“I really liked him! And you know what,” Christina continued, not giving up, “it was all so great, really satisfying sex, that in the morning I even made him breakfast.”
“Hang on, hang on, let’s sort this out – what did you make him for breakfast?” Diana’s mother asked. “Maybe he died of it?”
“He hasn’t come, he hasn’t come, he hasn’t come,” echoed in Vickey’s head. “Why? He hasn’t come, because he’s left London, busy at the office or because he doesn’t want to see me? He still doesn’t like me? I just want to know what I did wrong. Why did he kick me out?”
Vickey glanced towards the door when she heard a pleasant male voice nearby.
“Diana, you were the cleverest on our course, and a woman! Tell me, why are girls always so unhappy with me?”
“They want to marry you, David, but you never get married,” Diana answered cheerfully.
“Why do all women want to get married?” the man continued in an entirely serious voice. “I go out with several at the same time, for example: with one I have wonderful sex, we go for a lot of walks, we go to exhibitions, the theater. I like to sleep wrapped in another’s arms. We have sex too, of course, but it’s not important at all, because nobody makes a more delicious roast than she does. I don’t sleep with the third, just as I don’t sleep with you, but I like to have really deep conversations with her. Why can’t they do that too?” he asked, puzzled. “Why do they have to ‘put all their eggs in one basket?’ Why do I meet so few polygamous women?”
“David, come on, you’re a big boy, you have to accept this: that’s the way women are, and I don’t have any women of a different kind for you,” Diana answered him. They laughed. “But if we’re being serious, the issue of polygamy or monogamy isn’t down to gender distinctions, it’s down to the fact that some people are capable of sharing and being shared, and some people aren’t. I can even go further – I’ve seen cases where someone is prepared to share something with someone, but not with someone else.”
“They dream of getting married, David, because they’re afraid of silence,” Vickey said, suddenly butting into the conversation, not least to her own surprise. “They’re shit scared of it, because they don’t know what it means.”
Diana looked at her girlfriend in astonishment, waiting for her to conclude her aggressive thought that had sprung out of nowhere.
“But I love silence,” Vickey said, somehow detached from her words. “It’s good for people.”
Diana looked at Vickey and realized that there was something behind Vickey’s barbed phrase. She knew Vickey too well. “It’s my birthday,” Diana thought, “and she’s feeling bad. Something’s wrong.” It seemed to Diana that she was beginning to understand her mood, but she couldn’t get these thoughts out of her head.
“These aren’t my words,” Vickey said, detached. “They were said by my beloved Mickey Rourke.”
Vickey glanced at Diana, and it seemed to her that her girlfriend understood everything.
Awkwardly, Vickey tried to somehow wrap up the conversation.
“Either we shouldn’t have mixed our drinks, or we simply haven’t had enough to drink today. Don’t go anywhere, I’ll get us a refill,” she said, kissing Diana on the cheek and walking away.

41

September 2017

Alex


It all started with a call from Arthur.
“Where’ve you been, pal?” Alex heard instead of a greeting.
“Arthur?” asked Alex. “Where did you come from?”
Arthur never phoned this early. “Normal people sleep at this time of day,” he would often say. “And if they’re not sleeping, it just means they haven’t gone to bed yet.”
“Almost where we split up, my friend,” laughed Arthur. “A good old after party.”
“Majorca, Baden or the nearest 24/7 bar?” asked Alex.
“Right at the third attempt,” laughed Arthur. “We’re hanging out in Soho. Can you come?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” thought Alex.
“I’m not alone,” lied Alex. “Tell me.”
“Pal, I’ll get right down to business. I’ve got a really expensive ticket to an unusual party, but I’ve got to go on business to Italy. I’d like to put this invite into good hands.”
“What’s the ticket to?” asked Alex, understanding nothing.
“To a party that you go to alone,” Arthur answered mysteriously.
“Hm…”
“Right…” Arthur drawled somewhat bizarrely.
“Can you explain?” asked Alex.
A rustling could be heard. Then the receiver appeared to have been dropped. Some light morning cursing could be heard.
“Arthur…” Alex said, reminding Arthur that he was waiting.
“Hang on,” he heard from the other end of the line.
Alex had to wait a little while longer.
“Pouring a five-hundred-pound bottle of Agrapart on yourself is a real skill…” came from the other end of the line.
“Five hundred pounds for a bottle of French champagne at 9 in the morning,” thought Alex. “Why not?”
“Alex, pal,” said Arthur, returning to the conversation.
“I’m listening,” said Alex.
“This is the thing,” Arthur began again. “Throwing a ticket like this away would be a sin, man. This is a really extraordinary party. But there’s nothing that will amaze you, so I’m not worried.”
“What is this party, then?” Alex asked again.
“They’ll explain there,” answered Arthur. “They’ll explain the rules on the door. They’re not complex. You’ll like it,” said Arthur. “I’ll say it again, listen to me,” he continued. “It’d be a crime to throw it away. It costs a fortune. Even for me. I can’t give it to just anyone. It’s a tight-knit crowd, only for those in our circle, only for aesthetes. So don’t spread it round. That you’re one of London’s top aesthetes – I don’t think anyone’s going to argue with that, my friend Horatio,” Arthur laughed.
“I…” Alex began.
“Basically, it’s all about fucking. As always,” Arthur interrupted him, whispering. “I’m not on my own here,” he whispered even quieter. “Why’re you being so slow, you numbskull?!?”
“All right,” Alex agreed, for some reason.
“Oh! The girl’s gone off,” Arthur said happily, before going on quietly again, but very precisely. “Alex, it’s a place where a person’s secret wishes gain independence, but they stay secret.”
“Interesting,” said Alex.
“Getting you interested is hard work, damn it,” laughed Arthur. “But if you don’t like the crowd, which I seriously doubt will happen, bro,” Leon said with confidence, “you can turn round and leave. So, basically, wait for my driver with an envelope.”
“Got it,” answered Alex.
“You owe me big time,” Arthur concluded.
Again some rustling was heard coming from the other end of the line, and then there were three beeps all of a sudden.
The conversation was over and Alex put his iPhone aside. He wasn’t planning on going anywhere on that day, last night’s excesses were still clouding his head and he had to write a letter from the editor for the next day’s issue.
He turned back to his laptop but couldn’t get a word out. He pondered the idea that the thinking process was often helped by the trusty friend that is jerking off, and even opened his favorite clip on Kink.com, but he couldn’t concentrate on the images flashing in front of him, and his cock wouldn’t get hard, remaining indifferent to Alex’s demands. So, he decided to go back to bed.
In the evening he tidied himself up as he was waiting for the courier to arrive with the invite. He put on a white shirt and his favorite suit from Tom Ford. As always, he wore his trousers without a belt.
Then he ordered a Mercedes from a car service and headed to the address on the invitation.
Kensington– one of the most prestigious neighborhoods in London.
Renowned, or perhaps infamous “High Street Ken.” A proverbial neighborhood. A dream for the whole of Britain. Even for those who’ve never been there. The shops, the town houses, those who live there, or at least claim to, even have a distinct accent of their own. Anyone can go visit. You just have to pay. A meal at the Ivy Brasserie will do serious damage to your bank account. And if you want to live there, you have to pay big time.
Kensington. A symbol for luxury and a monied, carefree life. Not just a carefree lifestyle, but a lifestyle immersed in calm and care from people who are paid to create that calm, pristine and pleasant life. Gardeners, cooks, cleaners, tutors, nannies, drivers, housekeepers, secretaries and personal assistants.
The private house listed on the invitation was discreet, just another of the multi-million pads lining the street. Stunning, but unremarkable.
“Who are you here to see?” a doorman asked politely, dressed to the nines.
Alex checked the invitation, reading from it.
“Private party. Four, eight, one, four.”
It appeared to be some sort of secret code.
“Please come in,” said the doorman, beckoning Alex in.
A striking blonde stepped forward to greet Alex. Without saying a word, she reached out to take the invitation. Glancing at it, she pointed in the direction of a reception room without saying a word.
Alex walked on through the sumptuous mansion, a palace of hushed velvet and exquisite taste.
The door was opened by a girl who looked very much like the one who had just met Alex: about the same height, long dark hair, a beautiful figure, statuesque breasts, the same refined makeup and absolutely identical clothing.
“We ask that you turn off your telephone while you are here,” the girl said quietly.
Alex obeyed the polite request and was immediately approached by another identical girl. She smiled to Alex and spoke in a soft, delicate voice. “Hello!”
“Hello!” answered Alex. The appearance of these three identical girls aroused him.
“Come with me, please,” the third girl said quietly.
She walked to one of the doors that were equally spaced out along the wall. Alex walked into a room with a small, beautiful, round table, several upholstered armchairs and a couch covered in various masks in the style of the annual Carnevale di Venezia.
“Please sit down,” the girl said quietly.
“Thank you.” Alex seated himself on one of the chairs.
“Champagne?” asked the girl, bending over a small wine trolley with glasses that stood by the round table.
“Yes, thank you,” answered Alex.
“There are no random people here,” the girl began, placing a glass of champagne in front of Alex, “and that means that informing you of the rules won’t take long.”
Alex nodded.
“The first rule: You must choose a mask and wear it from the beginning until the end. You can only take it off in the bathroom, in one of the bedrooms or before leaving the mansion – you can leave it at the door. If you wish, you can keep it as a memento.”
“All clear,” said Alex. He’d looked at the girl’s beautiful figure and his desire welled up. If the rules that she was listing allowed him to take her in that small room he’d do it immediately. He even imagined how he would do it. In that beautiful little room with its heap of Venetian masks. From behind. Against the wall. Pulling her dress off. Leaving her entirely naked. Only in her mask of makeup that made all the girls look the same.
“Every guest has a coin,” the girl continued.
The girl placed a beautiful coin in front of Alex. There was a building engraved on it, and it seemed to Alex to be the townhouse they were now inside.
“Take the coin and put it in your pocket,” she said calmly.
Alex obeyed.
“The second and last rule,” said the girl, looking him in the eye. “You can’t refuse the sexual wishes of anyone who gives you their coin. If you fulfill their request, you will have two coins. You can use them to refuse anyone who gives you a subsequent request.”
Alex sensed his imagination running wild and arousing his body.
“If, after that, you give one of your two coins to someone and that person fulfilled your wish, you will again have one coin and you will be obliged to fulfill the wish of any person you can’t show two coins to.”
“I understand,” said Alex, sensing his throat tightening up from his arousal.
“Just two rules,” the girl summed up. “They mustn’t be broken.”
“Or what will happen?” thought Alex, but he didn’t say anything.
“That’s it,” the girl said calmly. “You must now put on your mask before you leave this room.”
She got up and quietly left.
“So, this is a party ‘you’ll like’…” thought Alex, recalling Arthur’s words. So, this is how the rich and the powerful entertain themselves.
Alex walked over to the dozens of masks on the sofa. His eye was caught by a bright red mask which was fastened tight to a beret made of thick material. He put it on and headed out of the room.
He walked along the hall’s sumptuous corridor, its walls made of beige marble. A broad staircase led upwards, with more rooms on the left and right, tightly sealed by weighty, tall doors. Apart from the girls who stood motionless at the entrance, he was alone in the impressively sized hall.
Alex slowly ascended to the second floor, sliding his hand along the smooth marble banister. He found himself at the beginning of a broad hall with a shiny parquet floor. There were about fifteen people in the room. Broken up into small groups, they were chatting with one another. They were all in incredibly varied masks, of course. Some were in bright capes that Alex thought were somewhat theatrical.
The décor in the house was akin to that of a museum or the interiors of palaces in films about the families of the tsars, it stunned with its outlandish magnificence. All of the windows were draped. Alex noted an evenly spaced line of silver candelabras, with a vast chandelier in the center of the hall. There were antique sofas ranged about the room, armchairs and couches. The servants were distinguished from the guests by their outfits – they were dressed in grey trousers and shirts, their faces hidden by identical grey masks. There were five of them, and they attentively followed the guests, ever ready to be on hand if they needed assistance.
Alex looked round in search of a bar, but failed to notice the small niche in the wall that was partially covered over with a hanging that was the same color as the wall. Next to the niche stood a small group of guests discussing something.
Alex could just about make out a snippet of their conversation. “Eric Berne is my hero. He not only explained how people interact with one another, but also with the world.”
Then he heard a woman’s voice. “All scenarios are from our childhood. Our environments and, of course, our parents in our childhood form the scenarios that go on to mold our lives as individuals. Then each individual runs around trying to find the cause of his behavior without knowing where to look for answers.”
“Yes, all of our childhood scenarios are the locomotive for a powerful psychological force that drags you to your fate, with your help or by overcoming your conscious resistance,” a male voice affirmed.
A tall man in a blue mask left the group and headed over to Alex. After a couple of steps, however, he turned left sharply. Alex’s gaze followed him and spotted the bar he’d been looking for. He headed over and sat down on a chair next to the tall man. The blue mask turned to Alex, who got the impression that the man was smiling.
They could still make out the argument that was continuing among the group: “If I’m not mistaken, Erik Berne attributed a key role to consent in the formation of the child. Consent provides the only way to free a person of his parents’ regulations. The parents were to give consent to the child being happy, to put it briefly.”
The barman, without having asked anything of the guests, served Alex and the tall man drinks at the same time. Taking his glass of cognac from the bar, he looked at Alex for a few seconds. Eyes from beneath one mask looking into the eyes concealed behind another.
“Will you come over to us?” the man asked unexpectedly.
“With pleasure,” answered Alex, also taking his glass of Henri IV, Cognac Grande Champagne.
Alex had heard of this cognac, but never tried it. The price of a bottle of this rare tipple, if he recalled correctly, was over eight thousand pounds, months of work for those on an average income even in the country’s capital. This was a gift from the master of the home to his rich guests, the barman informed them in a quiet voice. “How much did this invite that Arthur give me cost?” Alex thought.
“Allow me to bring you into our circle,” said the man, beckoning Alex to join him and his friends. “I’d like to introduce you, friends, to a newcomer,” said the man when they’d approached the group.
“Don’t invent a name for yourself,” said a woman in a pink mask. “Everyone who’s here for the first time tries to pretend to be someone else. There’s no need for that, though. We’re all in masks. We’re simple folk here. Equals among equals. Without names. And these rules give us a magical opportunity to get by without everyday lies.”
“Very convincing,” said Alex. “Unfortunately, there is more than enough lying in everyday life.”
“Equals among equals,” thought Alex, “drinking cognac for eight thousand pounds a pop …”
“Yes,” the woman replied, “in this house, the masks really do protect us from lies. This house has become a happiness drug. It’s a place where all human secret desires gain independence, whilst remaining secret.”
This was the phrase that the half-drunk Arthur had told him.
“Coming here, I immediately felt like Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut,” said Alex. “Whoever came up with the idea for this party did a good job,” he smiled.
“You’re definitely here for the first time,” smiled the woman. “Nine out of ten people coming here for the first time refer to that film by the great Kubrick.”
A waitress came up to them quietly and offered some hors d’oeuvres that had been neatly laid out on an encrusted platter.
“Wagyu filet mignon,” said the waitress, “and Rogue River Blue.”
Small pieces of marbled meat neatly sliced and cubes of blue cheese had been carefully placed to form an intricate pattern.
“This cheese matures in vine leaves soaked in brandy,” the waitress said softly.
“I recommend it,” the tall man said to Alex, taking a piece of this elite cheese.
All of those present at this invitation-only party behaved with marked politeness. Among themselves and with the servants. They thanked the latter for the food and drinks they were brought and spoke politely with the waitresses, assistants and barman. But they maintained an invisible distance between those who were performing their duties and the participants, the privileged guests of the master of the mansion in Kensington – a master whose identity remained unknown to Alex.
After a while, Alex left his new acquaintances. He walked through the hall, where he’d begun to feel at home, and introduced himself to and chatted with people who had cropped up in his life by chance. He somehow got used to everyone being in masks very quickly. He noticed how, from time to time, couples would move off down the enfilade: a man and a woman, or a woman and a woman. As a rule, they were accompanied by one of the assistants, who appeared to be ushering them to one of the castle’s bedrooms.
At one point, it seemed to Alex that two men were disappearing into the enfilade, a long succession of rooms that receded off into the distance. He wasn’t sure, however, that they were both men, as one was in a long cape and his or her figure couldn’t be made out.
At some point, Alex’s arousal at this unusual atmosphere died off. He noticed that, judging by the voices, figures and behavior of the majority of the guests, they were over forty years of age, and he’d always liked younger women. Guests came and went. On the surface, it all could have passed for a rehearsal for a masquerade ball or a film shoot, perhaps.
Alex asked one of the waitresses where he could find the toilet. Walking into the depths of the enfilade, he found it behind one of the heavy curtains and a weighty door.
Alex entered and closed the door. He pressed an elegant button on the door handle and the lock clicked shut. He pulled down his trousers and sat on the toilet. He couldn’t work out what material the toilet bowl was made of. It was either some very special, expensive metal, or it was silver-plated iron. The seat gave off a soothing coolness which amused Alex.
He took off his mask and his face felt a physical sense of relief. Alex looked around for the kind of magazine or book that is sometimes left lying about in such places.
And then he saw it. Or, rather, at first he heard the sound of an object being pushed under the door. Alex couldn’t immediately work out what was happening. Perhaps someone was trying to get into the toilet that he’d occupied, he thought. The sound didn’t die out – on the contrary, he heard an object of some kind sliding across the floor. Alex looked down to try and work out what was going on.
Alex saw a coin with a hologram of the house that he was in depicted on it. It was identical to his own coin. Still not having fully understood what was happening or what might happen, Alex quickly got up. Instinctively. He pulled up his boxers and trousers and did up the zip. And then he sensed, or rather heard his heart. It wasn’t just beating. It had begun hammering. It started to shake his body every which way. Right and left, back and forth. In circles, backwards, then forwards, then in circles again, his heart wasn’t beating, it was battering him.
“Well?” Alex heard coming from the other side of the door in an authoritative voice. The voice seemed familiar to Alex.
Thoughts came into his head in unison with the pounding of his heart: “I can’t. I can’t not open it. I agreed. I can’t not open it. It’s my coin. It’s mine now. I have to.”
The words rattled around in disorder within his head. They hammered at the crust of his brain. On the skin of the brain. And at his heart. Blow after blow. Like a vast boxer battering his opponent in the ring. The latter stumbles backwards, jerks up his hands to protect his face, but it’s all in vain. And it doesn’t stop, until…
“Well?” came the voice again from the other side of the door.
And only now did Alex realize that this was a man’s voice.
“Yes,” flashed through his mind. He heard that “yes” amidst the chaos of blows to his heart and thoughts.
Alex pressed the little button on the doorknob and took a step back. The door slowly opened, and the tall man appeared at its threshold. The same man that had introduced Alex to his friends at the beginning of the evening. The man was still in his blue mask. Alex couldn’t see his face. He noticed the tall man’s cheekbones in the light coming from the bathroom. The light revealed well cared for, tanned skin.
Unable to look away, he looked into the eyeholes of the mask. Two round apertures, through which, without blinking, it seemed to Alex, a person’s eyes were looking at him. The polite, educated and affable person who Alex had become acquainted with at the beginning of the evening had disappeared. Or, to be more precise, he had appeared before Alex in a totally different incarnation.
The tall man slowly entered the spacious toilet that was more akin to a luxury cloakroom. Just as slowly, and without taking his eyes off Alex, he closed the door behind him and pressed the little button on the door knob to lock it.
“Pick up the coin,” he ordered.
His heart was pounding alarmingly. Thoughts frenziedly whirled around the room, crashing into one another. One stood out … “Finally.”
It was then that he realized that his mask was on the shelf. That they were on an uneven footing. That…
“Pick up the coin,” the man said again.
Alex slowly looked down and saw that the coin was between the man’s legs. Alex looked back up at the man. He should probably go, probably…
“Pick it up,” Alex heard coming from the man again.
Alex realized that the man wasn’t going anywhere. Alex couldn’t feel his body. It had stopped obeying him. His arms and legs were shaking. His stomach was churning to the point of pain. His mind was blurring. He understood everything. He’d played these games himself. Several times. When girls had carried out his orders and done so unquestioningly. He knew the rules of the game. But this time he was on the receiving end. He was the one having to obey. And he wanted to be there, he wanted to try it, he wanted it, but he was afraid of it. And that coin that was now between the legs of the tall man was pulling him down, transporting him to the other side.
Alex was having difficulty keeping himself on his feet, he knelt down on one knee right at the man’s feet and with a shaking hand he picked up the coin.
“And now we do everything by the rules,” the man said quietly.
Alex looked up at the man.
“I love rules,” said the man.
As Alex used his hand to support himself getting back up, he heard the voice coming from above, from the mask.
“Don’t get up.”
Obediently, Alex remained on one knee.
He had wanted to. Many times. He’d thought about it. Imagined it. These scenes. How he would touch men, beautiful, fit young men. But he hadn’t known, back then, that when it would happen he would almost die of the fear that would shackle and bind his body and mind.
“Take them off,” Alex heard.
Alex, without taking his eyes off the man’s pupils, slowly put the coin in the pocket of his jeans and reached for the man’s belt. The expensive leather of the belt gave way to his hands easily.
And now a strange feeling overcame Alex. In a flash he understood that he was no longer afraid of the belt. That the fear of what was to come was outweighing, driving out and destroying his old fear of his mother with her father’s belt.
“This is wild,” he caught himself thinking.
This is insane. A dream. A hallucination.
Alex suddenly sensed that he was no longer shaking.
Alex unfastened the belt, then a button on the trousers, and slowly, very slowly, undid the zip. Beautiful, expensive boxer shorts appeared right before Alex’s eyes, a bump in the center where the tall man’s penis was bursting to get out.
The mask was silent. Alex, for some reason, imagined him with his eyes closed and his head thrown back. “Or he’s looking at me,” thought Alex. He really wanted to look up, but for some reason didn’t. It was as if he didn’t want to anger the mask-man by some awkward movement or action that, perhaps, wasn’t appropriate in such situations. He didn’t know, he was lost. Lost and aroused. The mask’s cock was an inch from Alex’s face, he was just an inch from what he’d wanted to try for so long. Wanted it, but rarely admitted it to himself, that whole aspect of sex that had previously been unexplored. And when he had admitted it to himself, he’d been afraid of his own thoughts.
The mask remained silent. “He’s playing his own game,” Alex thought for a second. It would happen. All of it. There was no way back. All. Of it. That game. His thoughts spouted, twinkled, pulsated. Alex took the expensive boxer shorts in both hands and pulled them down.
Then everything happened very quickly. Alex took the man’s cock right at the base in his right hand, just as dozens of women had done with his cock. When they’d taken Alex’s cock in their delicate fingers.
And Alex took the man’s cock in his mouth.
Cries of satisfaction came from the man and Alex almost simultaneously. Both were enjoying it. The man breathed in a full chest of air and then noisily exhaled it. Alex slowly let the cock slip from his mouth and then just as slowly took it in again. The cock was large. Big, hard and flexible. Alex gently squeezed it at the base, just sucking the head in and out. The cock moved pleasantly along the upper surface of Alex’s tongue. He liked it.
He moved back and forth. Back and forth. The hot, pliant, powerful, delicious cock of the man-mask gave him pleasure. He moved back and forth, again and again. The cock in his mouth grew hotter. “I know what he needs,” thought Alex. “I definitely know what he needs. I will give him pleasure, I want to, I know exactly how, how to do it.” Alex again pulled the cock out of his mouth and then took it all in. The cock pushed into his throat, he had difficulty breathing. A groan of joy came from above.
“Yes,” Alex heard.
He began doing it again and again. He tried to take the mask-man’s cock deeper and deeper. Again and again. More and more.
Alex felt both of the man’s hands on his head. Alex had done the same thing a hundred times – put his hands on a woman’s head in order to guide her in the rhythm that he, Alex, wanted. But now everything had changed. Now he was giving pleasure to another man, taking his cock into his mouth again and again, into the warm space of his mouth, a powerful cock with a nice aroma, into his mouth, right onto his tender tongue.
The man put his hands on Alex’s head but didn’t move it. He simply held his hands on his head. That aroused Alex even more. He let the cock out of his mouth. With his right hand, which was moist from spit and from the cock itself, he started moving up and down the cock fast, faster, Alex wanted the man to come right in his mouth, and he would start swallowing it down right at the point when he started to come.
Alex, still moving his hand up and down the man’s cock fast, looked up to tell him, to let him know that his cock was already quivering in Alex’s hands, shaking, it was incandescent, and Alex understood, or rather sensed, no, he knew from his own experience that there wasn’t long now. The man threw his head back, breathing through his open mouth. “I want, I want to give him pleasure. Everything I can. That’s what I want.” With the right hand. Faster and faster. Along the man’s cock. The man’s breathing grew faster. Yes, now. Alex took the man’s balls in his left hand and without stopping the main movement with his right, gently caressed the masked man’s balls with his left. The man let out a loud groan and his entire body shook. But he didn’t come. Alex, still working with his right hand as zealously as he could, took the head of the cock into his mouth.
“Again,” the man gasped.
“He’s really close,” Alex thought. “He’s enjoying it. Here and now.”
Alex moved his left hand forward slightly. The man’s balls were now in his palm. Alex pushed his palm deeper in and the balls were squeezed between the base of his thumb and his little finger on his left hand. His right hand was already beating in ecstasy around the man’s cock. The man groaned again, and Alex, holding the man’s balls in the palm of his left hand, felt for the man’s asshole. He felt for it, and then slowly, gently, pushed his middle finger into it, just a little. Inside the man’s ass, he gently pushed in the direction of his balls. The man shouted out. Alex started doing it again. With the middle finger of his left hand, in the man’s ass, again and again and again. The right hand, not stopping, worked with increasing fury, the head of the man’s cock in Alex’s mouth, tight up against his tongue, again, again, again, on the man’s ass, his right hand, furiously, in all that moisture.
A spurt. A spurt of sperm. An explosion in Alex’s mouth. A salty glob of sperm shot out of the man’s cock, along with a cry from his chest, a glob of sperm coming out of the hole in the end of the man’s cock and hitting the upper palate in Alex’s mouth.
It immediately felt unpleasant for Alex. “Wash your mouth out, wash yourself,” he thought. The man’s hand pressed his head down hard while his cock shuddered forward. Another glob of sperm hit the upper palate of his mouth. And then again and again. Until the spurts of sperm began to die down. And died down further. And then the last drops slowly coming out of the cock, gliding down him, informing him of the end of this insane extravaganza. The tension was gone within a fraction of a second, as if a cable had snapped. And Alex felt sick. Physically and morally. “That is the first and last time,” pounded in Alex’s head. “The first and last time.”

42

September 2017

Vickey. Diary



“A lot of people do exactly what they say. And I don’t mean that they don’t lie. I mean that they’re conscientious, they’re obedient and humble.
Mom always said that I need stability. And I would think: What am I, a table missing a leg?!? After a while, I worked it out. What does stability give you? What do you get in exchange? I’m not a table missing a leg.
I often did what I was told to do.
And now I don’t know who I am. I look at old things that I used to wear, I look at old photographs, videos where I’m little, crawling around on the floor, running and playing with other kids at the kindergarten, and then at school, or at university. And I don’t understand who I am.
I remember that I really didn’t like the kindergarten I used to go to. Then I didn’t like the school I studied at. My neighbor went to arts school. She told me about that school. And I really wanted to go to that school every day with my neighbor. But my parents couldn’t get me in. Or they didn’t want to. Or they thought they didn’t have to. But I didn’t like my school, which wasn’t my school at all, that I had to go to. They’d make us all be identical there. And I was trying to be different. Even then. To be special. And I would show that I was special, that I was defiant.
And I clearly remember that I was punished for that. I can’t remember how, exactly. My inner wish for goodness and warmth has washed those memories away, the details of those punishments. There was nothing humiliating about them. But the way they looked at me. I think it was terrible. I was punished for my defiance. Immediately. So that I would understand that I was being punished.
I also remember that I was forever being told off by my parents. Told off for sometimes wanting to mess around when I was eating. Me. A six-year-old kid. Told off for messing around, can you imagine? It’s insane! What kind of person tells a kid off for messing around and pulling faces? They told me off for “thinking I’m something special”, me, a kid of eight, nine, ten years old who watched a film and was playing out a scene from that film, or was repeating a phrase, maybe a risky one, from a film that was “too adult”, as they’d say. They were forever telling me off and reproaching me for being clumsy. My parents. People who, basically, were supposed to be telling me that I’m special.
Damn it.
Telling me off because I wasn’t like everyone else.
And I understood. I understood that if I give way and hide my true feelings and wishes, then my patience will be rewarded.
Yes.
God, it’s so terrible.
When I reached sexual maturity, like many of my girlfriends, I thought about sex a lot and a lot of the time. I read Guy de Maupassant and Remarque with interest, when my parents were out I’d watch different films that excited my young mind. Bertolucci’s The Dreamers, Verhoeven’s Showgirls, and, of course, Basic Instinct with stunning Sharon Stone.
It was a big secret. And, of course, I didn’t tell anyone what interested me most of all at the time, I didn’t talk about “it”, about sexual relations between a man and a woman. Not with my parents! Or with the people who were closest to me.
Later, when I was already an adult, many years later, I found out that there were lots of girls among my classmates who discussed all that with their mothers, and some even with both parents. With both parents! Astonishing! The girls would say that they’d discussed these issues at the dining table. While they were eating. While they were eating a veggie salad, cutting into chicken breasts with a knife, washing it all down with orange juice, and then having apple pie for dessert. For me, the fantasy stories that I openly read, not hiding them from my parents, looked far more realistic than that kind of situation taking place in my family. Sex was not discussed. Simply and comprehensibly. And that wasn’t the only taboo in the environment that I grew up in.
Another part of my youth was called “lying.” Secrets and lying.
Mom lied a lot.
Everyone knew that Mom smoked. That terrible smell that she tried to hide by chewing gum, those stinking hands. Her front teeth starting to yellow early. Once, my girlfriend and I were walking with our moms. My Mom took her phone out of her bag. And her cigarettes fell out by accident. I think they were menthol Kent cigarettes. Mom’s face changed. She started to kind of blink furiously, like a little fish that had just been pulled out of the water. She blinked and looked around from side to side for some reason. Then she looked at my friend’s mom and said that they were cigarettes that she’d bought for their friend. Cheap lies.
Education was also made up of a multitude of comprises with my conscience. Copying. Faking medical certificates in Photoshop so that I could skip school.
Now I understand that I could have taken up a different position. I could have stopped lying. I could have avoided being evasive. But no. Everyone lies. A guy does it to get a girl into bed to get some satisfaction. A girl does it to marry a guy at any price, because all her friends are already married, while she’s still got her “head in the clouds”, as Mom would always say.
Lying saturates us right from childhood.
I wanted to become an actress. I told everyone about this dream of mine. But they just laughed at me. People who were close to me just laughed in my face. I wanted to go and wash that face afterwards. It was as if I’d been sullied with dirt, some sort of filth. Later, when a man came on my face for the first time, I remembered that feeling. I remembered it and laughed.
Why do the majority of people leave a trail of endless violence?
I once saw a man hitting his child hard a couple of times because he’d pulled his little hand out of the man’s big hand. Nobody – neither his mother, nor his father, his parents, it seems – had explained to him that a child can behave as a child, he can free his little hand and that’s exactly what he should do.
God! It becomes our second ‘me.’ We can endlessly hit someone in the face. And be proud of it. It’s some form of continual aggression created by our internal, ossified complexes. We carry all that old baggage around with us. The pain of our parents, who were forever going “I don’t want that”, “you have to be patient”, “everyone puts up with it”, “what will the neighbors say” and all those other revolting, dusty old rags of the past.
Those fears of our forebears that breed cruelty and brutishness are still with us.
Why?
Why don’t we love our children? Our children whose births we’d wanted so badly. How many people are overjoyed when they find out that they’re expecting! And then what happens to those people? It seems that the happy parents were never told that there would be sleepless nights, kids bawling their eyes out, children’s illnesses and that the little kid would pull his hand free from the adult’s. If you’re not ready for all that, then sit in your stinking apartment and jerk yourself off quietly, having opened yet another porn site, grinding your teeth in joy. Lock yourself up in your stinking apartment, you animal, and whack yourself off!”